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  #371  
Old 20-09-2009, 10:34 PM
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"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't
afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown

---------------------------------------------------------

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is
always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." --P. J.
O'Rourke

---------------------------------------------------------

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a
moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of
me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have
some of their albums!"

---------------------------------------------------------

Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not
be able to tell the difference.

---------------------------------------------------------

True story from Sue

My seven year old grandson was telling me he was the
fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the
best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the
school. I said ' i would like to hear you are the best
reader in school or the best at maths"' He looked very
plaintive and said 'there are thousands of kids at my
school!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking
himself a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who's a gonna love you
like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a
gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you
talking like that? We aren't even Italian."

---------------------------------------------------------

"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I
figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise
one." --Unknown

---------------------------------------------------------

From George

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots
his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot
her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure
she is actually dead!''

*click* ... *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've fooken done that. What next?''

---------------------------------------------------------

From Karen

If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you
could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being
cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's
credibility.

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A:
'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The
officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A:
'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask
you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change
your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes
sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A:
'Yes sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your
locker?' A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share withthe same officers?' A: 'You
see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that
room.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then
headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned
to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I'm in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said,
"Nice t*ts lady."

---------------------------------------------------------

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won't let me."

---------------------------------------------------------

From Ivars

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names
she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car
driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the
corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

Deep down I probably don't want to know the truth, but last
night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I
parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it
so I could get a good view of the whole street when she
came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine
were leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back
to the dealer?

---------------------------------------------------------

Random thoughts from people aged 25-35yrs from Anthony part
3.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who
get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room
has to go around and say their name and where they are
from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I
know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem .

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just
aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

---------------------------------------------------------

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to
marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness
Munster.
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  #372  
Old 06-10-2009, 09:17 AM
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"I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be
empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn't. There
were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky
than the stock market." -Craig Ferguson

--------------------------------------------------

From Diane

Some things never change-but the terminology often does.
Author Cindy Chupack has coined these useful neologisms to
help the unattached negotiate the wilds of singledom.

Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to
another after a failed attempt at romance.

Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but
clueless third party to believe that two random singles are
perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are
not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past
relationship.

--------------------------------------------------

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the
sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the
steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my possessions ******. I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send me a blind cop..."

--------------------------------------------------

From Barbara

My daughter is pregnant and early in her pregnancy she sent
a downloaded picture of the baby at 8 weeks gestation and
emailed it to her hubby at work, cc'ing it to his mum and
myself stating that this was what our baby looked like now.
Without missing a beat he replied to her (and us) with the
statement that he thought that at this stage their baby
looked more like its mother than its father.

--------------------------------------------------

From Diane

The meek shall inherit the earth . if it's okay with the
rest of you.

--------------------------------------------------

25 percent of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when
they leave the house. Of these, 90 percent will kiss their
house goodbye when their wife leaves.

--------------------------------------------------

From Kay

A blonde died and went to heaven and was met at the gates
by St Peter. St Peter said to her "we have a bit of a rush
on at present however there are three questions you must
answer before I can let you through. I'll give you the
questions so that you can think about them and save some
time and tomorrow you can give me your answers". "The
questions are: How many days of the week start with the
letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? (I know
you're already working that one out) What is the first name
of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

Next day St Peter approached the blonde. "Well, have you
given the questions some thought?" "Oh yes" said the blonde
"there are two days in the week which start with the letter
T - today and tomorrow".

St Peter sighed. "Very well", he said "How many seconds are
there in a year?" "Oh that was the easiest" the blonde
replied "there are twelve". "Twelve?" St Peter said "how
did you calculate that?" "Well, there's the second of
January, the second of February, the second of March...".

St Peter said "I'm really letting you off lightly but you
must get the third question absolutely correct. "What is
the swagman's name?" "Andy" the blonde replied. "Andy? How
did you discover that?" "Easy - And'e sat, And'e watched
And'e waited 'till his billy boiled. The blonde passed
through the gates with no further comment.

--------------------------------------------------

From Merilyn. Column 8.

I am wondering if you have an opportunity each day to read
Column 8 of SMH - it helps me make it through the week
between your fabulous Friday Funnies (thank you so much, by
the way). In direct contrast to the dreadful thing, Col 8
is a wonderful thing particularly useful in lightening
one's outlook - herewith attached is an example

Spinning off from Wednesday's anecdote about the American
tourist asking an African guide why they would name the
Impala after a make of car, Iain Todd of Terranora writes
''It is alleged that Ronald Reagan's wife - when visiting
Windsor Castle - asked why they had built the castle so
close to an airport.''

Column 8 may be found at http://www.smh.com.au/ scroll down
to National Times and click on Column 8.

--------------------------------------------------

From Chris

During the huge dust storm in Sydney on Wednesday I got a
call from one of my colleagues in the office basement, who
wanted me to move my car so he could leave. He said "Go and
wash that thing. Its filthy! Its like you took it four
wheel driving in the mud! Ugh!" I said "That's South
Australian bulldust". He said "No mate. It really is dirty
- and I'm not from South Australia!"

--------------------------------------------------

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

--------------------------------------------------

A timely joke from Angela with the AFL Grand Final last
weekend and the NFL this one.

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his
seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is
empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be
sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is
incredible', said the man.

'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for
AFL Grand Final and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh ..... I'm sorry to hear that mate. That's terrible. But
couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or
even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

--------------------------------------------------

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very
expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the
waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check
to?"

The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll take care of
everything."

"Fine," said the waiter.

The next day the headlines read: 'Jewish Ventriloquist
Strangled to Death'

--------------------------------------------------

From Jim

The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked
at him, 'Get yourself over here ! What's your name?"

"Paul," the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy
bull-**** they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't
call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It
breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in
authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only
---

Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as
'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ....."
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  #373  
Old 09-10-2009, 08:46 AM
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From Rod

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde
was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password....... she said that it
had to be at least eight characters long.

----------------------------------------------------------

From Stephen and Jenni

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not
whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.

----------------------------------------------------------

From George

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor
checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you
have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24
because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only
have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go
home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that
evening as he's never been there with her before. They
arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four
corners and wins 35. Then, with the same card, he gets a
line and wins 320 Then he gets the full house and wins
1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too
getting 380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've
been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four
corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on
the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got
Yellow 24."

"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle
as well!!"

----------------------------------------------------------

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close
to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

----------------------------------------------------------

From Helen

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last
journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk
to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and
remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before
they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the
last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that
cow."

----------------------------------------------------------

From Ron

Three religious leaders were discussing how they divided up
the offering with regard what was spent doing God's work
and what was used for their "expenses"

...the first guy said " I take the money into the vestry
where I have a line drawn...

I throw the money in the air and what lands on the right I
use for God's work and what lands on the left I use"

...the second guy says "I have a similar system but I stand
in a circle what lands inside the circle I use for God's
work and outside I use"

...the third leader admits to a similar system but says he
simply throws the money into the air and "what stays up I
use for God's work....."

----------------------------------------------------------

From Judith

Q. how does the blind parachutist know when he is getting
close to the ground.?

A. the lead on the guide dog goes slack.

----------------------------------------------------------

"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not
protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might
actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was
published in this month's Journal of Things that Scientists
Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful
This Month." --Dennis Miller

----------------------------------------------------------

"I was walking through the park last night and had a very
bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I
know...I should have heard them hiding." --Emo Philips

----------------------------------------------------------

A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods
of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to
pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he
couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis
each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to
have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen,
"Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"

----------------------------------------------------------

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed
up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp,
huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came
home from work early the other day and there they were,
hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

----------------------------------------------------------

I love this joke from Glenda

'Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a
bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper
shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him
for?"

"Rustling."

----------------------------------------------------------

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: 'Before you
tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times.'
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  #374  
Old 29-10-2009, 11:33 AM
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From Murray

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full
of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her,
he said, 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a
very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked ... 'Does it hurt as much as tennis
elbow?'

-----------------------------------------------

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her
in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and
then began moving down past the small of her back. He then
slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked
it down over one br-ast, then the other, stopping just over
her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her bre_st again, working down
her side, passed gently over and then in between her
butt*ck and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the
uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same
manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled
over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you
stop?'

"I found the remote"

-----------------------------------------------

I have a funny incident for the next Friday Funnies, that
happened last weekend, from Sandy

"My cousin was visiting from Melbourne and we were watching
the Big Bathurst motor race that everyone in Australia
watches once a year. I was quite proud of my weight loss,
as I was much bigger when I last saw my cousin.

I was standing there, feeling quite good about myself and
she asked me a question, with me thinking she asked 'Are
you holding Fluid?.' I pulled my tummy in and stood up
straight, thinking she was saying I was quite fat, holding
fluid and all.

I stumbled and babbled a little over what to answer and she
asked me again, as we watched the race 'Are you Holden or
Ford?'

No, I am not deaf!! But over the noise of those racing V8
Holden's and Ford's, that is what is sounded like. Then I
breathed and let my tummy out just a little!!"

-----------------------------------------------

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring
out her heart and troubles to the church's appointed
marriage counselor.

"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I
can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe
that's the problem, Your husband shouldn't have to wait in
line."

-----------------------------------------------

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood
drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly
volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid
for s*x?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new
baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he
sighed, "Every time."

-----------------------------------------------

A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk,
it advises you not to drive. If you're really, really
drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.

-----------------------------------------------

From Bill

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness
on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest
Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since
I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

-----------------------------------------------

From Anne. Kids in church

3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name. Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't
make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a
real good time like I am.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our
baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on
the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because
people are sleeping.'

-----------------------------------------------

From Julie... Tommy Cooper.. Part 1

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She
said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't
care what star sign it is.'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' I went into a shop
and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said
'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. I
went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of
lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of
voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

-----------------------------------------------

From Diane

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an
'exotic' pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of
frogs.

The sign says:

S-X FROGS FOR SALE . . . . Only $20 each and comes with
'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's
watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the
counter,'I'll take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just
follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home.

As soon as she closes the door to her flat, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what she reads :-
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very s-xy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and
allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She does it all and quickly gets into bed with the frog . .
. ...but she waits and to her surprise... nothing happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She reads
the instructions again and notices at the bottom of the
paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions,
please call the pet store immediately.'

So, she calls the pet store and the man says, 'I'll be
right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her
doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've
done everything according to the instructions but the damn
frog just sits there!'

The man ... looking very concerned, picks up the frog,
stares 'directly into its eyes' and sternly says:

'LISTEN TO ME... I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME!'
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  #375  
Old 30-10-2009, 09:37 AM
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The one about the Waiouru police is about right. I lived there for over seven years and believe me, when it is winter the Desert Road is closed for days and I have been snowed in for ten days, couldn't get to work as I lived 9 kilometres out of town. So on with the funnies for today.
.................................................. .......

Speaking of Euroa.. From Michele

My mum always shares the Friday funnies with me and when I
saw the latest one from Euroa it made me think of the lame
joke that Mum used to tell us everytime we went through
Euroa on the way to Benalla to visit my grandmothers:

Knock Knock

Who's there

Euroa

Euroa who ?

Euroa the boat, i'll catcha the fish!

-------------------------------------------------------

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conver-
sation several times and getting only distracted grunts he
asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's
questions women ask. Now Im in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?, asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was
old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of
course I DO....'"

-------------------------------------------------------

From Nihal

A litle girl's Christmas wish:

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all
those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,

Amen.."

-------------------------------------------------------

From Stephen

Greetings from NZ - your FF's are great to end the week.

A couple of days ago my wife and I, our oldest daughter and
her nine year old were driving back home from our youngest
daughter's wedding. It had been a great day and we were
discussing the event.

Our youngest is a very short and petite lady who has
trouble (!) finding clothes small and slim enough for her.
But she managed to get a suitable and beautiful wedding
dress without having one specially made.

Conversation in the car went as follows Older Daughter -
didn't she look lovely in her dress? My wife - yes, and it
cost less than $1000 too Nine year Old grand son - A
thousand dollars!!!!! and she will only wear it once !!!!
Me - Well he's growing up to be a proper bloke!

Not sure that my response was really appreciated by the
ladies.

-------------------------------------------------------

From Vivian via Kate

The quotes from youngsters in church, reminds me that for
years I thought in the Lord's Prayer that the line "forgive
us all evil." was "forgive us all eagle." I just couldn't
understand 1.) Why it was all eagle and not all eagles and
2.) Why the God should forgive us for eagles!

Well, at least I knew something about grammar!

-------------------------------------------------------

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.

-------------------------------------------------------

Two from Noel

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in,
she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing
her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her
fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you
promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance
money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her
fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring
you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."
-------------------------------------------------------

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba
Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the
water?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they'd
still be in the fookin' boat."

-------------------------------------------------------

From Diane

In the fun world of the administration of N Z Justice, not
all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and
guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.



For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks
ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police
Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in
protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the constable. "Carburettor's
frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it
out." "Can't." "OK, watch me and I will show you." The
constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike
started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received
a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It
began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded
...."

-------------------------------------------------------

From Jim

Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS

A. A crazy bi-ch that can find you.

-------------------------------------------------------

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese
bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three
bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up
good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot
water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his
knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold
then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid
asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to
get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the maid takes his peter and lays it out on a marble
bench. She then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh'
she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out both of
his ears.

-------------------------------------------------------

From Chris

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a
priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When
he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies:

"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D bre*sts, 24" waist, and
34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My
God".

-------------------------------------------------------

From Bill

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade
school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing
jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is
longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about
biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine
YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours
soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"
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Old 13-11-2009, 09:31 AM
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From Julie

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his
wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for
dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He replied, "Thank
you, I'll have chicken."

"Don't be stupid. You're having soup. I was talking to the
cat."

-------------------------------------------------

From Judy

Grandaughter being instructed about drink driving.

Annabel aged 4yrs

You must never drink & drive Annabel.

No Dad because you might spill it.

-------------------------------------------------

From Helen. fun with words.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all right now.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a
hardened ********.

******* who ***** corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always
multiply.

-------------------------------------------------

From Rhonda

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns
down through the family

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to
his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to
take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How
about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a
big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you
gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man...

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say,
'Time's Up'?"

-------------------------------------------------

From Karen

A young farm boy comes down for breakfast. His mother asks
if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the
chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds
the pigs, he kicks a pig...

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a
bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon and why don't I
have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either.

I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks
the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and
says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'

-------------------------------------------------

From Jim

A Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to
his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish
its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all
assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky
the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of s*x was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?" A commander chimed in
with 75-25% in favor of work. A lieutenant said it was
50-50%. An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of
pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time. There being no consensus, the captain turned to the
seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS
opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir,
it has to be 100% pleasure." The captain was surprised and,
as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any
work involved, the officers would have me doing it for
them."

------------------------------------------------

From Nihal

There were two Irishmen working for the city. One would dig
a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,

The other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill,
fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a
hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe
how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you
work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your
partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole
digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today."

-------------------------------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.

She said, "What are you doing with those?"

He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn't going to
take all day, is it?"

-------------------------------------------------

A Russian and a Czechoslovakian were out hunting one day
and were attacked and eatened by a Ma Ma Bear and a Pa Pa
Bear. The two bears were finaly found and shot. They took
both bears back for an autopsy. They found the Czech was in
the male.

-------------------------------------------------

A Texan, an Englishman and a Frenchman are having a drink.

The Texan says, "I know this bar in Dallas that if you buy
one drink the next one is on the house."

The Englishman says, "That's great but I know a bar in
London where if you buy a drink the next two are on the
house."

The Frenchman says, "Big deal, in Paris there is a bar
where all the drinks are free and they take you in back to
get you laid".

The Texan and the Englishman are intrigued. "Where is this
wonderful bar?", asked the Englishman.

"I don't know", replied the Frenchman, I've never been
there. But my sister goes all the time".
A true story from Wayne

Husband is prone to dislocating his kneecap when he over
exerts himself, and wife is familiar with the urgency of
relocating said kneecap. The cure is to place the lower leg
on the same plane as the upper leg in very short time so
the offending kneecap will slide back into position.

Two of our four teenage children were still living at home
on the night when amorous husband decided to bring a liquid
nightcap into the marriage bedroom. Husband placed the
drinks & treats alluringly on a tray for his beloved and
headed for the bedroom. The door was gently closed for the
intimacy required on this night and husband glided
alluringly to wife's bedside.

As husband twisted to sit on edge of bed, the recurring
kneecap popped out and husband screamed out loud in
excruciating pain. Tray projected into the air and glasses
and their contents sprayed the bed, the husband and
beloved.

Knowing how to rectify husband's condition, wife, yelled
over top of husband's scream, "straighten it, straighten
it", to the wonder and curiosity of the teenagers in the
next bedroom. Unbeknown to the children, wife was referring
to husband's leg,

------------------------------------------------------

From Helen

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh
when he decided to take a leak...

He propped up his gun in the corner of his duck blind.Just
then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and
discharged, shooting him in the genials. Several hours
later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was
local to your groin, there was very little internal damage,
and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.' 'What's
the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive
birdshot damage done to your pen-s. I'm going to have to
refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is
your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player
in the Melbourne Symphony. She's going to teach you where
to put your fingers so you don't weee everywhere.

------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the definition of Bigamist?

A: A foggy day in Italy.

------------------------------------------------------

Another real story from Carolyn

My son is notorious for using strange voices and pretending
he is different people every time he rings family or
friends. This morning he returns to Australia from his
honeymoon and I was hoping for a text message to say he had
landed safely.

The phone rang at 9:30 am. An amusing voice told me that he
was running late but would be at my place in a couple of
hours.

Surprised and flattered that he would consider seeing his
parents on his first day back, I gushed that I would love
to see my darling as soon as possible and that we could
catch up on everything and have a lovely lunch together.

"Madam, the voice declared after a brief pause,"I'm the man
putting in your insulation and I've been held up at another
job!"

Shocked and embarassed I blurted out,"Oh! I'm so sorry! I
thought you were my son! He's always putting on funny
accents! I mean he uses different voices. Oh! I'm so
sorry....."

How am I going to face him when he comes to the door?

------------------------------------------------------

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the
wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their
wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was
exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and
they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the
boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that
ultimately led to television...and later to the remote
control. --Dave Berry

------------------------------------------------------

On ageing

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.



The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.



Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

------------------------------------------------------

From Joanne

Just another in regard to getting words mixed up in church
and prayers etc.

I always thought God's name was Peter. My parents could
never work out why I thought it was Peter and I couldn't
work out why they didn't know..... Remember at the end of
prayers the priest would say "Thanks be to God"....well I
always thought it said "Thanks, Peter God", thus his name
was Peter!!

------------------------------------------------------

True story from Michael

My younger brother had met a Polish girl (has since married
her) and my first opportunity to meet her was on a Saturday
morning when the three of us were strolling down the street
of a busy little village, looking in the shop windows. We
weren't trying to stay together, just strolling along.

From close behind me I heard her voice, obviously directed
at me -"I'd like to make love in de oil ". My mind
raced.... surely not!. "Sorry?" I said turning back towards
her (and checking how far away my brother was).

She repeated "I'd like to make love in de oil ".

My concerns (oh okay, also my fantasies) were dismissed
when I realised that she was looking in the window of the
aromatherapy shop. "Oh, you'd like to make your own
lavender oil? That's nice."

------------------------------------------------------

From Karen

Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink
driving. He was given six months but the police don't think
he will finish his sentence



First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny
sense of humour my plumber has.

------------------------------------------------------

Time to pull this one out again for the Melbourne Cup from
Anthony

It was reported in today's Melbourne "Age" that a group of
primary school children, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington yesterday to
see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,
holding their bodies to direct the flow away from their
clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in year four."

"No, Madam," he replied, "I'm riding Cupid's Arrow in the
5th at 2.15.
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  #377  
Old 14-08-2010, 12:27 PM
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It's about time we ininstated this thread.......

Here are a couple from Elizabeth 1...

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work ontime.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late... but he was a good worker - really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the company and, obviously, was good at demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tellyou, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on
it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though - your coming in late. I know you're retired from
the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"







'They said,"Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''

.................................................
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for somebonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't
see a single ********, blind bastard, dip **** or ****er anywhere we went today!'
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