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  #21  
Old 30-08-2007, 10:39 AM
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Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night out and pass the bus depot. "Let's nick a bus" says Paddy not wanting to walk. He offers to keep watch.
20 minutes later he looks in to see Mick flapping his arms and shouting, "I can't find a number 7". You feckin' idiot says Paddy, "just take number 9 and we'll walk from the roundabout".
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  #22  
Old 30-08-2007, 11:26 AM
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An elderly farmer decides, one bright sunny day to walk down to the lake at the end of his property. He hasn't been down there for many months, so he takes a bucket in the hope of collecting some fruit that will have dropped from the trees and bushes surrounding the lake.

When he arrives there, he sees a pile of clothes and 6 buxom and nubile young ladies skinny dipping in his lake. The young ladies move to deeper water and one of them shouts "get away you old perv- if you think you can stay there and wait for us to come out you've got another think coming, you disgusting old man!"

"Oh no" replies the farmer, I have no desire at my age to run my eyes over your young and glistening naked bodies"...he holds up the bucket for them to see...."I've just come down here to feed the alligators".
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I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning & knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.

PLEASE NOTE :

I am always happy to give my time, advice and support without prejudice and based only on my own experience and knowledge, however, you must seek legal counsel if you are at all unsure of your claim......

Please do not publish my posts elsewhere without my express permission beforehand. Thank you!
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  #23  
Old 04-09-2007, 11:45 AM
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And here's one for the girls!

My wife & I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife says "do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since".
"My God" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?"
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I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning & knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.

PLEASE NOTE :

I am always happy to give my time, advice and support without prejudice and based only on my own experience and knowledge, however, you must seek legal counsel if you are at all unsure of your claim......

Please do not publish my posts elsewhere without my express permission beforehand. Thank you!
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  #24  
Old 05-09-2007, 11:55 AM
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Hubby gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says, "there you go again you barsteward, trying to put words into my mouth".
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  #25  
Old 05-09-2007, 09:24 PM
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Went to the cemetary to put down some flowers the other day. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, these feckers have lost the plot!


A man sat in a restaurant gets hit on the back of his head with a prawn cocktail. He turns around and a bloke says, "and that's just for fecking starters"
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  #26  
Old 06-09-2007, 01:53 PM
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TV comedian who's name escapes me

In 1888 an Irishman invented the toilet seat.A couple of years later an Englishman put a hole in it.

Maureen Lipman

"The worst thing about oral sex - is the view"
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  #27  
Old 08-09-2007, 12:35 AM
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I told my mate I saw a life time's supply of Viagra advertised on Ebay today for 10,000 pounds. What did the wife say asked my mate, "we're getting a new kitchen".
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  #28  
Old 09-09-2007, 09:21 AM
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A littlebit late this week. Took a bit of time to get them together

"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Into phone)... 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up looking proud.)

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about." ---Andy Rooney

-------------------------------------------------------------

From Robert Z

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

-------------------------------------------------------------

From Leanne

A similar story to the one about the E- word.

When my children were 4 & 5 my son came to me crying because his sister
had called him the c-word. I was horrified and went straight to tell her
off. She vehemently denied it, and I sensed she was telling the truth,
but my son had also seemed very upset and sincere, so I went to him and
said " I don't ever want to hear you say it again, but I want you to
tell me now what she said" . He replied, " She said I was C R A P". I
was so relieved.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot
dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday,
Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her
call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down,
just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and
position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

"International soccer star David Beckham has signed a $250 million deal
to play here in L.A. He's very popular. To give you an idea of how
popular he is today an L.A. jury awarded him a not guilty sentence for
any future murders."
--Jay Leno

-------------------------------------------------------------

"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone,
but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." ---Woody
Allen

-------------------------------------------------------------

From Jerry in Arizona

NOTICE TO ALL RADICAL TERRORISTS: Stop trying to destroy America! You
are wasting your time! (Our elected officials are doing a FAR better job
of it than you EVER could!)

-------------------------------------------------------------

A ragged individual stranded for months on a small desert island in the
middle of the Pacific one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a
piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the message. "Due to lack of activity," he read, "we have
regretfully found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

-------------------------------------------------------------

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.
Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures
of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite
well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one
said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they
wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the
photographer.

YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself
a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who's a gonna love you like a Momma?
Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like
that? We aren't even Italian."

-------------------------------------------------------------

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing
there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man
disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees
the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to
resuscitate me."

-------------------------------------------------------------

From the Brennan Family

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span o f twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give
you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family
For this, I will g ive you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you
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  #29  
Old 11-09-2007, 01:30 PM
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Man Staggers Into Hospital With Concussion, Multiple Bruises, 2 Black Eyes And A 5 Iron Wrapped Very Tightly Around His Throat. Doc Asks, "what Happened To You?"

Well, I Was Playing Golf With The Wife When We Both Sliced Our Balls Into A Field Of Cows. I Found One Stuck In A Cow's F***y So I Yells To The Wife, "this Looks Like Yours Love". I Don't Remember Much After That!!.....
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  #30  
Old 13-09-2007, 06:54 PM
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In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.

Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded myfavorite mule, Bessie, into da . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"
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