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  #11  
Old 12-08-2007, 04:18 PM
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Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "what turns you on more, my pretty face face or sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies,
"your feckin' sense of humour".
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  #12  
Old 17-08-2007, 09:55 AM
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was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty
girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a
girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they
were speaking German."

----------------------------------------------------

2 from Joe in Ohio

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggestscaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he
hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared
that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady
next door."

----------------------------------------------------

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the
group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when ;they
no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your
old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

----------------------------------------------------

From Roxanne and Scott

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest b o o b s.

Men are like that, you know.

----------------------------------------------------

"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel in space. A
weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost you another million to
eat a Snickers from the mini bar." -Conan O'Brien

----------------------------------------------------

"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the Bear. Kids,
if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's because the bear ate the
ranger!" -Craig Ferguson

----------------------------------------------------

Five tips for a woman from Barbara....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house
and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and
doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each
other.

----------------------------------------------------

A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her
bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They
immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She
sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.

"Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got to get out of
here quick!"

"Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.

"There isn't one," she replied.

"Where would you like one?" he asked.

----------------------------------------------------

From Roxanne

NINE (9) WORDS/PHRASES WOMEN USE !!

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half
an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means
she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and
when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: It's a women's way of saying STUFF YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' (For the woman's response refer to #3.)

----------------------------------------------------

From Lorraine

A beautiful woman loved growing vegetables, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who
had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
garden n a k e d in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from
blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same
thing to her garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two
weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,
how did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

----------------------------------------------------

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?"
---Steven Wright

----------------------------------------------------

From Dave

A school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

Here it comes --

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate." so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t i t
s are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.
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  #13  
Old 17-08-2007, 05:19 PM
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Q. what do you get when you cross a bull dog with a shizu

A. a Bullsh_t.

Did you hear that dire straits and chris rea are forming a group
it's gonna be called dire rea.

I was in bed with the wife last night and i asked her could i turn the light off,she replied why, is making love more romantic in the dark, i replied no i'm burning my butt on the light bulb.

My husband is that fat the last time he fell forward he rocked himself to sleep.
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  #14  
Old 23-08-2007, 03:54 PM
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A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out out a rectal thermometer....."Great" she sighs....."Some a**e hole's got my pen.."!
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  #15  
Old 23-08-2007, 06:00 PM
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Paddy weighs in at twenty stone so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks, you should lose five pounds". When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost four stone. "That's amazing the doc said"....Paddy nodded....."I'll tell you be jabers, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da third day". What, from hunger said the doc?"..."No said Paddy, from the feckin' skipping".
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  #16  
Old 23-08-2007, 06:15 PM
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I am going to start skipping
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  #17  
Old 23-08-2007, 09:43 PM
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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
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  #18  
Old 23-08-2007, 09:48 PM
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One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?", she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."
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  #19  
Old 25-08-2007, 10:19 AM
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From John in NZ

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning,
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like
this: "Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?" "And
the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones,
considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk.

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care
of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of
kin."

---------------------------------------------------------

From John

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
Gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week
and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of
generosity.

He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could
never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer".

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come
to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

---------------------------------------------------------

From Joe in Ohio

FOR SALE BY OWNER:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife
knows everything.

---------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He
asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to
participate in our competition?"

The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat
off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the
whole pub a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so, mate... the steaks are too high!"

---------------------------------------------------------

"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of
denial. Today the Bush administration denied it."
-Dave Letterman

---------------------------------------------------------

From Jill


I was following a tanker on my way home the other day, I live in a small
rural town just out of Christchurch, NZ. I was trying to figure what
sort of tanker it was and written on the back of the tanker was a phone
number then R. Soles Takeaways.

Can you guess what type of tanker it was??

Yep a septic tank cleaner tanker!

---------------------------------------------------------

Quotes from Helen

You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.
George Clooney

The trouble with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting
poorer. Joan Collins

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society.
The optimist invents the plane and the pessimist the parachute

Plane travel is natures way of making you look like your passport photo

The formula for successful relationship is simple: treat all disasters
as if they were trivialities, but never treat triviality as if it were a
disaster. Quentin Crisp

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to
pull up alongside it. David Lee Roth

They say marriages are made in heaven but so are thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love
their mother. Theodore Hesburgh

Its just like magic, when you live by yourself all your annoying habits
are gone. Merrill Markoe

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. Lily Tomlin

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how
to laugh, either. Golda Meir

A family moved just weeks before the arrival of a new baby.
Several weeks after the babies arrival, the 3 year old sister suggested
they move to a new house. When asked why she said: 'I'm tired of living
in a house with a baby in it.'

---------------------------------------------------------

From Ron

The teacher asked a little hillbilly student to make a sentence using
the word "Mahogany" So he said " We had corn fer dinner last night but I
didn't give ma hog any."

---------------------------------------------------------

From Mark

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few
of us left." (Oscar Levant)

---------------------------------------------------------

From Joe in Ohio

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

---------------------------------------------------------

From Lindsay

An Australian, a South African and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in
Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi
police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a
severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually
being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their
trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could
be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they
were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my
first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you
one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow
only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment
was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's Horror he
said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows
could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the
Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part
of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For
this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Kiwi replied. In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20
lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also
very brave", the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"? "Tie
the Australian to my back."

---------------------------------------------------------

I have a friend who is going through a rough spot so instead of ringing
her and asking hows everything going I started texting her silly
questions. Well, I remembered a few from your book. Here is the answer
she sent to...."If dog food has a new and improved taste, who taste
tests it?"
......Her reply... Men in the dog house. Just so good.
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  #20  
Old 28-08-2007, 03:04 AM
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The Grand DCA owner of York
He had ten thousand men
and if he had the energy
he would have them all again.
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