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  #1  
Old 24-07-2007, 01:48 PM
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Default Friday Funnies

I can't find my original thread so have to start a new one....
stop groaning....

From Chris and Margaret

This one, I'm told, is a REAL story, told by a fellow commuter on the
train! (well, he is a wag so may be true)

My friend had Christmas one year with his brother at a beachside town.
They cooked a whole snapper for tea - and brother complained about the
bother of disposing of the head, bones etc.

No problem to my friend. He put the (soon to be )smelly scraps in a box,
wrapped it with left-over Christmas wrapping paper, put a beautiful bow
on top, then placed it 'accidentally' on the gutter outside the house
... and waited by the window curtain.....

Several cars drove slowly by, but too much traffic to stop... Then one
could not resist - drove past, did a U-turn, came back past the parcel,
passenger door opened and a pair of arms snapped up the gift, and off
they went........

-----------------------------------------------------------

"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.
If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life."
--Jerry Seinfeld

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Joe in Ohio

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take
a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much
he gets fer Howard."

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Lenore

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in
and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over
to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day." -Paul Clay

-----------------------------------------------------------

"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This
year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but
the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?

A: A cocka-poodle-doo!



Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese
restaurant?

A. Because of the Peking Duck.

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Roxanne... topical for Australia

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and

Asks, "What's going on?"

Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kevin Rudd.

They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to

Douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to
car,

Taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him
something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the hell did you do that for!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you idiot... But my wife out in the car still
does."

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Janice

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
it down. I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you
couldn't swing a cat in there!

I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I
said "No, just a watch."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star
sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me." This policeman came up to me with a
pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace
someone for me."

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

"My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got wheeled out of
delivery, looked at me, and said, 'Adopt.'"
--Caroline Rhea
-----------------------------------------------------------

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life
and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and
asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I
was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for
my driver." -Dave Letterman

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Peter

Our Grandson Ryan (10) is really into fitness at the moment. At home he
lifts his Dads weights and at our place he rides for "miles" on our
exercycle. He is determined to develop "six-pack abs". The other day he
was telling Grandma how well he was doing and, lifting his T-Shirt, he
proudly showed her that he had already managed to develop a "one-pack
ab".

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Carolyn

I had read in the local paper that a relative of Winston Churchill's was
in our local goal. I mentioned this to my
21 year old son and his girlfriend. They both frowned.
"Who's Winston Churchill?" the girlfriend asked."Oh, he's the elephant
man," declared my son knowledgeably.
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  #2  
Old 28-07-2007, 09:00 AM
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Little Johnny's at it again.....







A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" * * * * * * * * * * *Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" * * * * * * * * * * *The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" * ;* * * * * * * * * *Little Johnny'skindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted ********s. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Last edited by Dragonlady : 25-11-2007 at 09:47 AM.
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Old 28-07-2007, 09:46 PM
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Out of the mouth of babes....



The Middle Wife

By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.


Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!


Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.
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Old 30-07-2007, 06:19 PM
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!” The man said “You can’t be serious I could never shoot my wife” The agent said “Then your not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home”

Finally it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said “I had to beat him with the chair
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Old 03-08-2007, 02:49 PM
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Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and
try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something,
his wife would say, "... And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

--------------------------------------------------

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in
the radio in the 1920s

--------------------------------------------------

From Butterfly

A man went to NASA and asked for a ticket to the moon.
"Sorry, sir" said the attendant; "The moon is full right now."

--------------------------------------------------

From Brad, 11.

Q: What do you call a turtle who robs banks?

A: Armoured and dangerous

--------------------------------------------------

This is so good I have to use it again... from Scott

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely s e x y
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one
condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

--------------------------------------------------

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I
would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried
and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as
soon as we catch him."

--------------------------------------------------

One thing about the speed of light--it gets here too early in the
morning.

--------------------------------------------------

A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.
The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have
forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" the man asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs,
hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the
counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.
I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" the customer called back. "That's terrific!
Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

--------------------------------------------------

From Brian

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my
God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't
matter," she said.
"Just get out."

--------------------------------------------------

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now
kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter

--------------------------------------------------

An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the
bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.

The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is
broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the
hill."

So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the
passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.

"Now, go and open the trunk!"

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and
goes and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now," shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband
in there?"

--------------------------------------------------

Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they
gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things,
not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.
---Margaret Halsey

--------------------------------------------------

From Jo

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very
risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but
you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.." The family members sat
silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain. "The moment turned awkward. Men in the room
tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more? "The doctor smiled
at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female
brains, because they've actually been used."

--------------------------------------------------

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the
clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after
a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't
married, I'd give this stupid game up!"
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Old 04-08-2007, 09:38 PM
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Suitably amended. Apologies if anyone was offended by the original.


Last edited by eddieriff : 05-08-2007 at 07:11 AM. Reason: Mistake
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Old 04-08-2007, 09:58 PM
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Eddie,

Could you edit this, there is a fax numer and name in the header and could you clean up the F word, this is an open forum. I am not being prudish, but we do have to be very careful
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Old 09-08-2007, 08:13 AM
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The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.” No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man." Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big backside and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Old 12-08-2007, 12:12 PM
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The young woman really thought she'd been very patient through a
protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he
perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So, how do you like your rice?
Steamed or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied
clearly, "Thrown."

-----------------------------------------------------------

From George

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She
picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a
surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a
package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't
forget the curlers

-----------------------------------------------------------

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends
secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend
something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good
news? One hundred percent of the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Leonie

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The
car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down
the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical
engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel
might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical
engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say:
"Well, what do you think?"

The Computer Engineer thought for a bit and then said

"Ummm, perhaps if we all need to get out of the car and get back in
again!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Some praise for the Funnies from Pieter

I really LOVE your funnies, and share them with lots of people every
week - sick friends, relatives, students in my classes (with a bit of
judicious editing first), colleagues, and anyone else who sill stand
still long enough to listen. Keep them coming!! And thanks!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished."
---Unknown

-----------------------------------------------------------

"The big story in Washington D.C... not the war in Iraq, not Alberto
Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare...
the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a
little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years
old, but apparently the media is only 13." -Jay Leno

-----------------------------------------------------------

From Roxanne

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his
Irish assistant Paddy. "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take
care of all of our patients" "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
Paddy, how was your day? Paddy told him that he took care of three
patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol." "Bravo
Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach
burning and I gave him Mylanta". "Excellent. You're good at this and
what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Well, I was sitting here
and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed,
she undresses herself, taking off absolutely everything and lies down on
the table and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?" "I put drops in her eyes!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she
couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how did he find out?

-----------------------------------------------------------

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
---Milton Berle

-----------------------------------------------------------

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his
surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is
furious and said, 'That's ridiculous - everyone knows the North Pole is
owned by Santa.'" -Conan O'Brien

-----------------------------------------------------------

My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding that occurred
when our baby was born. She called me at work and said her water had
broken.

And I said, "So, call the plumber."

-----------------------------------------------------------

From John and Jill

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or
insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do
nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist
comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and
his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are
out of control...

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street
vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
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  #10  
Old 12-08-2007, 01:39 PM
Lefty Lefty is offline
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From Leonie

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The
car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down
the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical
engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel
might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical
engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say:
"Well, what do you think?"

The Computer Engineer thought for a bit and then said

"Ummm, perhaps if we close all of the 'Windows' it might restart
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